There are a lot of benefits to being around someone who is on a great mental health journey. You can pick up tips and tricks that might end up helping you. And their calmness might just rub off on you.

However, someone whose mental health is in a downhill spiral? That can be enough to take you down with them. And you shouldn’t let yourself be taken down by someone else.

I used to be of the view that if someone else is in a mental health crisis, you should be there for them. But I’ve changed that view drastically in the past few years. If your oxygen mask is not on, you should not be the one that’s there for them. Two people dealing with a mental health crisis cannot help each other and will likely make it worse. If you even feel like your oxygen mask is falling off, it’s time to back away. And if that person is not actually asking for help, you cannot be there for them. You can’t force someone to get better no matter how much you want to.

Look, I’m not a mental health professional, but I do have lived experience in this area. So let’s talk a little about what to do online when someone’s mental health is affecting yours.

Recognize what’s going on

I know this seems overly basic, but the fact is that it’s a necessary step.

If you’re not feeling quite yourself, take an inventory of what’s happening in your life. If a particular person is making you feel bad or excessively tired, pay attention to that. Think about why that might be and whether you think it might be something temporary or permanent. Keep in mind that a mental health crisis is typically a temporary situation. But if this is not the first time you have felt this way about this person, it might be something that is more permanent.

But the thing you need to keep in mind is that you don’t deserve to feel like crap about yourself or to have your energy drained by someone else. So if you feel like that’s happening, then it’s time to take some action.

Set some boundaries

A good first step is to just set some boundaries that will help you and give you a bit of space from that person. You don’t have to do something drastic like block them right off the bat. It could just be small dip and they could get back to being themselves. So take a much smaller step to begin with and see what happens.

If they are just showing up in your feed, you can start by just not engaging with them at all. They will naturally fall out of your feed, but you will still get their high engagement posts that are most likely showing their big news. So you won’t miss anything that is important, but the algorithm will learn that their content is not what you want to see. Just be sure not to go to their profile or watch their videos. Those both count as engagement and they will be in your feed more frequently.

On the other hand, if they are messaging you, you will have to do something a little different. Because I didn’t want to deal with it, I used to just not respond. Not one of my smarter moves, and it really didn’t stop conflict as much as I thought it would. What does help is saying something like, “I am sorry that you are going through a rough time. Unfortunately, I am also going through a rough time right now and need to be focused on improving my mental health.” If you’re worried that they will start asking you about what’s going on, I will tell you that it’s rare that happens. Someone who is going through a mental health crisis is usually very focused on themselves and won’t follow up with any questions or any other comments.

However, it does happen. I have simply told someone that I have told them to stop and to please listen to me. Or if they’re peppering me with questions about what’s going on with me, I have told them that I am not comfortable sharing at this time. You do not need to give reasons behind these comments. As I have heard said so often, “No,” is a complete sentence. This is your no and your complete sentence.

Tell someone

Just because you are not in the position to help someone going through a mental health crisis personally, it does not mean you do not have the responsibility to alert someone who is in a position. In fact, even in a more minor mental health crisis, it’s irresponsible not to say something.

This is not a gossip session. If your only goal is to talk badly about someone, you might want to look closer at your own mental health. Instead, this is just a simple statement of fact that has a few parts. First off, find someone who is both safe to the person and not overloaded themselves. Putting this onto someone who is already overloaded just won’t be effective. Next, tell them that you have concerns. State those concerns in a factual way. Don’t put in how it affects you. The focus at this point should be on the person who you are trying to connect with help. And then ask if they might be willing to check in with this person. At this point, you can bring up why you can’t do the check-in.

You’ll likely hear more after the conversation was had. Hopefully, it’s not specific and the privacy of the person is protected. Knowing that the conversation was had and whether the person asked for help is the only follow-up you need.

When it’s time to remove them from your feed

There are some triggers for me that say it’s time to move on from this online relationship:

• The person continues to message me after I have asked them to stop.
• When asked if they would like help, they say no.
• You’re not close to any of their friends who could talk to them.
• You feel really, really bad.

There is more, but these are all a sign that it’s time to fully remove them from your feed. If they keep contacting you, then it’s time to unfriend them. And if they keep contacting you after that, block them. If it continues beyond that, it is harassment and you should take appropriate actions.

In the end, it’s so rare to get to this point. I’ve only had one person I’ve ever had to report for social media harassment at an organization (it didn’t go well because social media was too new at the time). It seems like we’re all worried about the worst case scenario here when that so rarely happens. It’s much more likely that you will get more of the peace you so desire.

But then again, I am not a mental health professional. If you feel like you’re struggling, you should consult a mental health professional and do what’s right for you.

How do you handle someone who is affecting your mental health online?