Recently, I lost a community that I thought was a forever community for me. It kind of threw me for a loop, because it meant that I realized there were a number of people who were no longer my friend. That’s not a great feeling.

This stemmed from feelings I’d been having for years. I had stuffed down in order to stay. But as I have been struggling as a default parent with a partner who has a very unpredictable schedule, those feelings came to the surface. So I said it out loud in a Facebook group post: Can this run group really be called all paces when I and others are left behind because we are slow runners? The reaction was fast and harsh. A significant portion of the slow runners quit, leaving all of us in a situation where we had to figure out what was next.

I could write a lot about what went wrong here (including what I did wrong since I’m not blameless), but that’s not really interesting for a blog on social media. And I’m even saying that as someone who writes about social media and mental health frequently.

What is interesting is the idea of community and its role in mental health. Because community, at least for me, is the biggest weapon I have against mental illness. So as a person who just realized one of her own communities was unhealthy, here are some red flags for checking your own communities.

The community is based around one to two people

My run group could only keep people who ran my pace when I was consistent. The second I couldn’t be consistent, people dropped off and they couldn’t maintain an atmosphere that would welcome slower runners. That’s a sign of an unhealthy community.

Why? No one has the ability to be consistent all the time. Life happens and priorities shift. To make sure that the community continues, you have to create a bench of people who can step up from time to time. That takes consistent recruitment and putting your best foot forward the first few times someone new shows up. In other words, make sure you’re courting those new potential leaders. And it’s even better if you can keep that courting consistent.

Otherwise, you’re going to find new members of your community aren’t showing up a second time and the community dying off altogether when the old members can’t hold it up anymore.

New members aren’t showing up again

And let’s talk about those new members disappearing just as fast they appear. If that is continually happening, it’s a sign something bigger is wrong.

Why? Like I said above, you need to constantly be courting those new members. Not every single one that tries it out will want to come back. But a significant portion should.

If you’re finding that they’re not, start with how you are welcoming them. Is it isolating? Or is it integrating them into the group? Are you connecting them to the resources they need? Or are you leaving them to find them on their own? Are you making them feel seen as the person they are? Or are you making them feel like just some random person?

There’s no perfect way to do all of this. But it is something you have to actively work on. And then you have to analyze your processes to make sure they continue to work for the community you currently have and the types of people who are showing up. Because both will change and your processes should change along with them.

Current members are disappearing without a trace

This is not the first community I have lost that happened to also say that I wasn’t dedicated enough to it. And it’s not the first community that didn’t realize there was much more on my plate than my goals within our shared interest. But still… it’s not great behavior.

Why? It’s much harder to gain new members. You will expend more time and energy into trying to get a new member than you will in investing in your current members. Check in with them regularly and make sure they are getting what they need. That will go a long way toward making them feel like a valued member of your community.

And if they disappeared? Continue those check-ins. But do it without judgment and ask if there’s anything you can do to make it easier for them to come back. In this particular case, I would have replied that there was nothing that could be done. I was continually sick from the viruses my daughter was bringing home from preschool, and I didn’t want to get anyone sick during race season. So even help with childcare wasn’t going to do anything for me. But I would have heard the concern and the willingness to help. And I would have felt even more deeply connected to the community.

Instead, I showed up to a group run already feeling disconnected and felt even further disconnected as I was left behind. It was only a matter of time before I moved on.

There are obvious cliques

Cliques are just an unfriendly way to be greeted into any community.

I went to my first meeting for my daughter’s school’s version of PTO. I got there early because I always tend to do better when people come to me rather than the other way around. Because of that, I was the first to sit at a table. And then I quickly realized I would be the only one who would sit at that table as the other tables filled with talkative groups of parents. Except for those few other tables that also had just one person sitting at them, but I think we all felt glued to the seat we had chosen with no easy way to move to another table.

No one said hi to me at this meeting, except for a little girl who demanded something from me and I’m still not sure what it was. That was my first experience of this group. I won’t go back for another in-person meeting because of this.

The nature of people will always bring out cliques. But it’s not healthy for the community to have them be so strict and guarded. Instead, you should direct everyone to introduce themselves to someone new during every in-person meeting. Will every single person do it? Absolutely not. But enough will. And that will make those who are wondering if this community is for them feel a bit more comfortable. They can then decide on the merits of the community rather than whether they felt welcome. Hopefully, you have some very excellent merits to show off.

Is your community healthy? What red flags are you looking for?