I recently had an interview for a board position. They had lots of questions for me, but an interesting one was how I deal with big personalities.

To be honest, I’m a person who attracts big personalities. I tend to be quieter in person, and I really stick to what truly matters. That is easy to take advantage of. So I’ve had to spend a lot of time figuring out how to stop that cycle, because it was really taking me away from my goals.

What did I learn? Let’s talk about it.

Know your goals

The first step when big personalities come into play is to have a firm grasp of what your goals are. Because you can’t stay on track if you don’t know what that track is. That means they can take you on a completely different path without you fully realizing it.

This is why it’s important to go into everything by writing down your goals and putting them someplace where you can consult them whenever you’re making a decision.

You shouldn’t just leave this to projects. I have goals written down for my life and my family’s life. Whenever we are deciding what our family is going to do next, we consult these goals. Would doing this move us forward on these goals? Then it’s super easy to say yes. If not, then we figure out if it would just be fun and if we actually have time. So when big personalities come in and tell me I should be doing something for my daughter, I can confidently say that it doesn’t fit for our family.

Be firm on boundaries

Just like with goals, knowing your boundaries and keeping them is super important.

The thing about bigger personalities is that they have this way of slowly taking over. But if you are firm with boundaries, it can be harder for them to do that.

What does that look like? For me, I put boundaries for work in my contract. So whenever someone tries to violate them, I can point to the contract we have both signed. That is unbelievably useful to have all of that written down and agreed upon. And I then ask if they would like a quote for the additional work. Is that always a fun conversation? Absolutely not, but knowing that I’m protecting my peace helps.

But not everyone is lucky enough to have a contract to point to. In that case, reminding that person what your role entails and prepare your boss for being involved is the best you can do. And if the boss is the bigger personality who is trying to take over your life? Start looking for another role if they don’t respond well to your boundaries. In my experience, that never gets better.

Learn their communication style

Communication is usually a big problem when it comes to bigger personalities. They take up the room and that can take up all the oxygen where other ideas might breathe.

If they’re not listening, experiment with different ways of communicating until you find a way that they do listen. But at the same time, know the ways you most effectively communicate.

For example, even though I can talk with others and get my point across, I know that my most effective mode of communication is writing. So when I’m dealing with someone who is not listening to me, I try to get a feel for where they are most likely to read what I have to say. In most cases, it’s an email, but I don’t limit myself to that. I will experiment with instant messaging, editorial calendars or whatever tools we have at our disposal. I will avoid text messaging just because it is too intrusive to me. If they’re not responsive to any of these, that’s when I start going towards more face-to-face to see if we can make more progress there. Even though I’d prefer to stay within my comfort zone, I’m not afraid of getting out of it.

And then within the mode, I’ll make experiments as well. What tone works? Do they respond better with me being chatty? Or do they prefer direct and to the point? What data presentation will they actually read? And so on and so on.

The goal is to just get us communicating, and I may lean a little too far toward their preferences. But if it gets us to the point where we can work together, it’s worth it.

Put the focus on them

In the end, a lot of this comes from a place of feeling small and wanting to feel big. So if you give into a bit of what they want, they are more likely to work with you. The trick is to not fully giving in, and sometimes this kind of personality will take a mile if you give an inch. So keep your boundaries firm as you engage in this.

You can give them an opportunity to let their skills shine. I’ve done that for several clients when it’s a project that doesn’t fit my work with them. It’s created very loyal clients and the same can be true of anyone who works with you. So take note of the skill set of a bigger personality and use it to your advantage.

Figure out ways to channel that kind of energy into something that is positive for your team. Knowing that this person is just trying to feel big, making them feel valued within the team can honestly make a huge difference. I’ve worked with people who are just literally too excited and have no idea what to do with that excitement. This is a fantastic way to handle someone in that category.

Or just figure out what exactly is important to them and use that to make them easier to work with. It’s going to make your life so much easier if you just sit down and get to know them in this way. Future projects will work so much smoother.

When it’s time to escalate

Because I work as a consultant, I don’t escalate things very often. I just start looking for the next client. The one time someone else actually escalated things for me because they didn’t like how I was treated in a meeting, it turned a workable relationship into one that couldn’t go on. So to say I’m a little shy about escalating would be an understatement.

But even I know there is a time and a place to bring the behavior higher.

Be sure you are documenting everything before you escalate. You want to make sure you can back up your claims and not just ranting about a person who you can’t work with. The former gets results. The latter just puts you into an uncomfortable position. The more you keep this factual and not emotional the better.

And if you choose to escalate, make sure you are mentally prepared for things to get uncomfortable. Do not allow yourself to be abused, but know that it will likely get worse before it gets better. I would start putting the feelers out for the next opportunity as soon as you decide to take this to the next level.

How do you deal with bigger personalities so you can work with them?