I think we all are suffering from the same thing: We are tired, lonely and don’t have enough support. This is especially true when you are a parent. Like how are you supposed to do this when your family lives six hours away? There are a lot of reasons for this, but becoming a community member helps.

I know that when I’m feeling completely alone, I lean into becoming a community member and things start feeling easier. Suddenly, I have someone who wants to come over to watch my daughter or someone who wants to just hang out and be. Those two things are just so important for my own sanity.

If you’re looking around and not sure if you’re a community member, let’s talk about how to become one.

Invite people over

As a whole, we stopped inviting people over. And we’re all suffering because of it.

Why did we do this? I think it comes down to a lot of things. We feel disconnected, so we don’t know who we should be inviting over. People cancel at the last minute or don’t show up at all, so we could possibly be putting a lot of effort into something that isn’t actually happening. And well… cleaning up and getting everything ready for company is hard. When we compare our houses to those perfect homes on Instagram, they don’t measure up. So why would we invite people over?

Don’t try to be perfect

I think the best thing I ever did was get rid of the idea that my home had to be perfect. It just has to be good enough. If that means that I dump all of the extra stuff my three year old has into a room and lock the door so people don’t see it, that works. And I just pretend I don’t see the dog hair in the corner. I always say whenever I invite people over, “I did my best, but I have two dogs, a cat and a three year old who are all plotting against me.” If people are judging me, they don’t care to share and I don’t care to know.

Let go of the idea no one will show up

Now about people not showing up or canceling at the last minute… This is my pet peeve. It happens way too much. What if you had a party and no one showed up? This has absolutely happened to me. I sat back and realized I had made a lot of mistakes with timing the party. I made the decision to never do a party at that time again, and I’ve never had no one show up for a party since.

It’s always going to be a risk, but the amount you get from being around others is worth it in my opinion. I think you also get to know which one of your friends chronically doesn’t show up. If you invite them, just remember they probably won’t show up and don’t include them in the count. Then if they show up, it’s a happy surprise. Sometimes you just have to lower your expectations.

Finally, there’s not knowing who to invite. I’m of the view that you invite everyone. Put the ball in their court and they can make the decision. And the wider the net you cast, the more likely you will have people show up. And it’s a great opportunity to connect with someone better.

Do the inconvenient things

Somewhere along the way, we stopped inconveniencing ourselves for others. We didn’t show up to parties because we wanted to couch rot. We stopped driving people to the airport because we hate traffic. And so on and so on. If it feels the least bit of inconvenient, we’re not doing it.

What is the end result of this? No one is going to do anything that’s inconvenient for us. And when we’re desperate for babysitters or someone to help us move, there’s just no one there. That doesn’t feel great.

I maybe go too far with this and will seek out opportunities to inconvenience myself. My partner actually asks me to tell him what I promised people so he can tell me what I can actually do. I’ll even put things out like we’ll babysit kids if parents want to go out to do other things, which my partner hated at first but now loves. You don’t have to go as far as I do.

Keep an eye on social media and help where you can. Listen between the lines when you’re talking to friends in real life and offer help that makes sense to you. Sign up for Meal Trains. And if someone directly asks and it’s not something you can completely do, I think it’s a great opportunity to say, “No, but…” Then offer what you are willing to do. It doesn’t always have to be a blanket no and that little bit you can do will help.

Ask for help

This is the one I struggle with the most. I like being seen as strong and independent. As soon as I need help, I freeze up. I’m the collector of doing favors. Can I really be the person asking for a favor? But this is where you can really cement a relationship.

As a community member, you have to provide opportunities for people to help you, even if it’s uncomfortable. The less you ask people to do something, the less help you are going to get. Yes, it’s as simple as you need to ask for help to get help.

And asking for that help can bond you to people. I needed a babysitter for a night (that ended up being a snowstorm but that’s another story). So I posted on Facebook that we were in a bind and needed someone to babysit my daughter. Someone I never would have expected responded that she’d love to help out. Do you know what happened then? Even though we had to cancel, I had someone new to add to our roster of potential babysitters, and you better believe I’ll be calling her soon. And honestly, her willingness to help just raised my opinion of her (although I liked her a whole lot before this).

Letting someone help you is such a powerful thing. It can give you the support you need while making another person feel good. I personally need to work on doing this more, and I think a lot of others need to as well.

And no, this does not mean that you ask for help on every single thing. We all know those people, and it makes the ask annoying and way less powerful. I’m saying ask when you truly need it and when it would make a big difference for you. Because being a community member is not only about make a big difference for others but also for yourself.

How are you being a community member?