I have watched two people die this month. I have watched two people die this month?

That sentence alone makes me feel gross. How is it even possible? I obviously did not choose to have seen this, and yet I saw both deaths from multiple perspectives and of course there were multiple analyses as well. It’s been… a lot.

And yet, despite how much it makes me want to vomit, I watch it. I watch it all.

I have to be more mindful

This has obviously caused problems. My feed used to be a relatively safe place. My daughter would sit on my lap and we’d watch silly animals and get impossible craft ideas. It was a lot of fun as she’d say things like, “We’ll make that tomorrow,” with a smile on her face.

I can’t do that anymore. After a few close calls where she almost saw something no child should ever see, my feed is now off-limits to her. She, of course, has no idea why. She just wants to see the silly animals. So I spend time previewing videos to show her. It’s not as much fun as experiencing the randomness of Reels with her for the first time, but it’s been necessary.

That’s honestly minor in the grand scheme of things though.

I’m not who I used to be

I’ve found I have changed, and there’s just no going back to who I used to be before I witnessed these deaths.

Did I need to see them? Yes. But did I seek them out? No. When I heard what had happened, I purposely tried to avoid the videos. I didn’t want to purposely invite the darkness in because I knew I would forever be marked by it.

But still… I think we all need to face what is happening. Otherwise, we can deny it and accept explanations from others. The only way we can get better is if we face the darkness and start looking for ways we can brush it aside in favor of the light. It’s necessary but that doesn’t mean that it’s good for us.

I have no words

Usually, in cases like these, I give advice for how I’m handling it. The truth is that I don’t know how to handle this. You could get offline completely and stop taking it in. But like I said above, we do need to know what’s going on so we can stop it. Plus, many of us work online and we have no choice. So going offline just doesn’t feel like an option.

What do we do?

Some are taking action, and I’m so grateful for the people who are being fueled by these videos. I am not. They have made my anxieties go through the roof. So even though I’m trying to be creative with the actions I take, I know it’s not enough. Maybe that’s just my anxieties talking, but just doing what you can doesn’t feel like it’s good enough anymore. Every little bit may count, but I just feel like maybe I should do more and it constantly disappoints me that I feel more cautious than ever about this. I have a child, and all I can picture is all of the harm that could happen should I raise my voice a little too loud.

You could touch grass. I do find I’m a little more intentional about being in-person lately to off-set what I am seeing online. This is the only place where I feel like I’m actually succeeding at something.

I invited all of my daughter’s school friends along with their moms, so we can celebrate Galentine’s Day with crafts and snacks. Some of these moms were thrust on me, and I’m not quite sure what to think. But my daughter is actively choosing to be friends with their daughters, and we could be in each other’s lives for a decade or more. Trying to be friends and more social will only be good for all of us.

I’m also more proactive than I have ever been. I’m the one that’s offering get-togethers, and I’m the one checking in before storms to make sure those around us know we’re able to help. It feels like the only way to get through this is to be together and realize all the good that is in the world. That drowns out the bad a little bit.

Where do we go from here?

But honestly, I have no answers for you today. Just a lot of questions of how to make this end. How do we create a better world that translates into a better online experience? How do we be better? I don’t know. I just know that I keep trying despite the ridiculous mountain that is sitting before me.

Why am I writing this when I have no real answers? Because it felt ridiculous to write anything on social media and mental health without mentioning the absolute horror that we are witnessing right now. We can’t keep going like this, but none of us know what do. So I felt like it was important for me to write about how I am right there with you all. No one is alone here, so working on the answers together rather than trying to figure it out individually seems like the right call.

What are you doing next?